adam, my heart

Adam and I have known each other for going on 7 years. Ironically we met through Tristan, they were best friends. We have been buddies since and even stayed in touch between my relationships with Tristan.

Adam was around as the last relationship with Tristan was falling apart. He was a very dear friend to me as well as Tristan. When I started to doubt my relationship with Tristan and became genuinely fearful of what my life would be, Adam was one I went to to help me straighten things out. He is very unbiased when it comes to advice and was very good at helping me think of things from all angles. When I came to my final decision he made a promise that he would stand by me this time and be a friend to me- the first breakup between Tristan and I came with a lot of extra junk.

Adam was faithful in his promise to me. All of my friends lived elsewhere, so for a long time he was all I had and he wore that position well even when I made it hard. In April of last year things began to change. I could tell that he had turned to an interest in me and I was a little scared of it. It was very important to me to have the time to get myself together. I had lined up a fantastic job and was moving into an apartment and I really wanted time to just be me. He was very willing to be along for the ride.

In July we decided to give this a try but I realized that I wasn't ready and needed more time to work through things in my past. He was completely crushed but he gave me over to God and made the choice to let God renew his love for me. Slowly over the next few months things completely changed in me. I was ready. I was done with everything that I had been fighting and realized that I was letting them hold me back. Adam had never left and God was making it clear that he wasn't going far anytime soon.

Over Labor Day weekend I laid everything out for him and we hashed through everything that I had been struggling with and even the things that concerned me about him. Adam is a fixer. He tends to act before he thinks sometimes even when it comes to me. Over this weekend with lots of tears on both sides he finally learns how to help me the way I need and I learn to help him. He has never been in a relationship that gives. Every other woman in his life before sucked everything out of him. I was new for him and he was new for me. It was after this weekend that we began to work very well together. We were no longer just buddies. We were partners.

In October, Adam did the mature thing after us praying for God's timing and approached Tristan to inform him of our deciding to date-things with he and Tristan faded over time and they didn't even speak at this point. That talk went very well and it was evident that God had gone before us. After this we began to make our relationship public.

Our relationship has been incredible. It is unlike any relationship I've ever had. There is a maturity to it that is so comforting and makes it all the more realistic. Adam loves me with everything he has and asks God for the ability to give more. I have never wanted to give someone so much. I love having the ability to challenge him, care for him, and love him. We have overcome a lot around us and God is blessing us.

I am engaged to a man that loves the Lord more than anything. We have the beautiful blessing of being able to serve in church together. We are involved in the music ministry as well as the children's ministry. He is winning young men to the Lord and making a clear difference in other's eternities. I am excited to tears about the future that God has for us and the ways he will use us.

I have always heard that the best spouses are the ones that you notice next to you as you are running your course. Ones that have been there all along and God continues to reveal to you in different capacities. This year I am marrying the man that was running next to me. He truly is my best friend and life with him is the only option.

lonely and human

This is the first time in my life that I haven't had a group of people around to be my earthly support. I have many many acquaintences, due to being in one spot and so active for so many years, but only one true friend.

A true friend being someone I can call and at the drop of a hat and we can find something to do to kill the time and make the demons go away. He is proud to be this friend and I'm thankful to have him but the lack of others is taking it's toll. Especially this week.

My family has had a major issue occur this week, my brother has decided to take on another family completely and leave this one in the dust for now, school is stressful, I'm sick as a dog, and here I sit without my community.


I am tired, I am overwhelmed and all I want is a group of people around to invest my time and energy into to help it all go away. Most of the time I am just fine without it but I have my days when I don't know how I've functioned so long without it.


I know it is by God's grace and His companionship that I have made it through it all but I am still human unfortunately and sometimes I can't overcome those desires. Tonight is one of those nights

fool me twice, shame on me

It's a funny thing when you try to force someone to love you.

Everything made sense logically:
      Similar family backgrounds
      Same religious backgrounds
      Same future family goals and ideals
      Family/church family that wanted it so desperately to work

But for whatever reason it just could never work.

The same problems from the first time were there the second time around. I was never enough. I always needed to work on something. I was always misunderstood. I was always taken advantage of.

I was just a warm body.

So here I sit wondering what is wrong with ME when the real question is, why do I care if he never loved me to begin with?

You can talk the talk but walking the walk is a very different story.

"My heart belongs to someone I've yet to meet."


     

tiny voices down the hall

Lily Bell age 6                                                                                            Jaden May age 5

I have these little girls for an entire week. They are shrill, they bicker like nothing I've ever seen yet life apart seems impossible. They forget so easily that I'm also the hand of discipline. They hum, they dance, they color, they hug me.

Yes, they hug me. They wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm beautiful and even lovely (that's a new one). After waking me up at 5:45 in the morning, fighting me at naptime and then again at bedtime, making me break up fight after fight after fight, I have a hard time remembering why I do it.

Oh yeah. They hug me <3

a lovely ride

I had every intention of doing this at the 6 month mark but I was in the middle of life so here I am 7 months later...

December 24th 2010 I called off an engagement. I made the decision to give up a life that I had run into to get out. He is a great man and he's been a great friend to me but it just wasn't a fit for more. This was a decision that forced me to get my feet back under me and figure out what I want to do with life. I went on  an extreme budget and set a goal to be situated in something by August 1st.

 I have had my heart broken multiple times by people that I considered friends. The Lord has put a lot of effort into ridding my life of all of it's toxins by removing people that I thought I needed and reminding me that HE's the only one I need. I remember thinking in December that I had no idea how I was going to make it through to summer without anyone around to count on.

So here I am as August 1st approaches after yet another broken heart situated not just in something but most things. I am sitting in an apartment that is entirely mine and a place I can finally call home. I am starting a job in 5 days that is an unbelievable opportunity. I get to go back to school in two and a half weeks which is waaaaay overdue. December is now 7 months behind me and I am overall happier than ever.

There are things in my life that I desperately want but God has decided that now is not the time for me. I often wonder why He doesn't give them to me but I have chosen to be happy with where He has me and what He's given me. I am thankful to have a God who takes care of the things that are out of my control and can find comfort in the fact that letting Him control it equals a better outcome.

I am far from perfect and made a lot of mistakes in the last 7 months and am unfortunately confident in the fact that they won't be the last. I am a sinner trying to do what's right in a world that encourages me to do wrong but my chin is up and I'm moving forward.

Thanks for coming along for the ride

24

This is the year....

for knowing myself again...


pursuing new goals...


meeting new people...


and laughing twice as much as the last.


Here goes it!

the beginnings of a beautiful thing

12 years ago a man walked into the room with what would become the love of my life. It was just shy of two feet long and made of this rich, deep red wood. When it was put in my hands my life was forever changed.

The attraction was instant. I finally had something that was mine. Only mine. It felt like home everytime I touched it. It was something I could work at and get personal gratification knowing it was something I earned. I practiced hard, I wanted to know it inside and out. I started taking private lessons and joined orchestras and over the next several years this process continued.

I decided that music was my calling and I would teach music for the rest of my life. I enrolled in the local community college as a music major and hit the ground running. I did two years of intensive theory and ear training, killed myself in private lessons, joined several ensembles, picked up more instruments and wore myself thin (literally and figuratively). I grew to hate it. All the pressure and competitiveness became a lot to handle and I started to fade.

It is still a place I call home and will always be a part of my life. When things are falling apart, I can pick it up and the world slowly fades away. It's something in my life that has always been good to me and never fails to be comforting. But I have come to learn that I only love it when I can do it on my terms. I lose the joy when it becomes forced and I can't handle hating it.

Today I officially changed my major to elementary education. I have a passion for children, it's one place in life I know things fit. I am just naturally good with them and people around me comment on it all the time. But a part of me feels like I've given up on something, like I've quit and wasn't good enough to continue. I know kindergarten is where I belong and I'm very excited about it but the transition is a little tough. It means starting over and that's a scary thought.

So now the rest of my life will be spent seeing things through the eyes of children. It will be full of crayons, finger paints, bubbles, scraped knees, tiny tears, counting, the alphabet, show-and-tell, loose teeth, and class pets. I will be adored by tiny faces that will never have any idea how much I adore them.

Kindergarten here I come!!! :D