lonely and human

This is the first time in my life that I haven't had a group of people around to be my earthly support. I have many many acquaintences, due to being in one spot and so active for so many years, but only one true friend.

A true friend being someone I can call and at the drop of a hat and we can find something to do to kill the time and make the demons go away. He is proud to be this friend and I'm thankful to have him but the lack of others is taking it's toll. Especially this week.

My family has had a major issue occur this week, my brother has decided to take on another family completely and leave this one in the dust for now, school is stressful, I'm sick as a dog, and here I sit without my community.


I am tired, I am overwhelmed and all I want is a group of people around to invest my time and energy into to help it all go away. Most of the time I am just fine without it but I have my days when I don't know how I've functioned so long without it.


I know it is by God's grace and His companionship that I have made it through it all but I am still human unfortunately and sometimes I can't overcome those desires. Tonight is one of those nights

fool me twice, shame on me

It's a funny thing when you try to force someone to love you.

Everything made sense logically:
      Similar family backgrounds
      Same religious backgrounds
      Same future family goals and ideals
      Family/church family that wanted it so desperately to work

But for whatever reason it just could never work.

The same problems from the first time were there the second time around. I was never enough. I always needed to work on something. I was always misunderstood. I was always taken advantage of.

I was just a warm body.

So here I sit wondering what is wrong with ME when the real question is, why do I care if he never loved me to begin with?

You can talk the talk but walking the walk is a very different story.

"My heart belongs to someone I've yet to meet."


     

tiny voices down the hall

Lily Bell age 6                                                                                            Jaden May age 5

I have these little girls for an entire week. They are shrill, they bicker like nothing I've ever seen yet life apart seems impossible. They forget so easily that I'm also the hand of discipline. They hum, they dance, they color, they hug me.

Yes, they hug me. They wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm beautiful and even lovely (that's a new one). After waking me up at 5:45 in the morning, fighting me at naptime and then again at bedtime, making me break up fight after fight after fight, I have a hard time remembering why I do it.

Oh yeah. They hug me <3

a lovely ride

I had every intention of doing this at the 6 month mark but I was in the middle of life so here I am 7 months later...

December 24th 2010 I called off an engagement. I made the decision to give up a life that I had run into to get out. He is a great man and he's been a great friend to me but it just wasn't a fit for more. This was a decision that forced me to get my feet back under me and figure out what I want to do with life. I went on  an extreme budget and set a goal to be situated in something by August 1st.

 I have had my heart broken multiple times by people that I considered friends. The Lord has put a lot of effort into ridding my life of all of it's toxins by removing people that I thought I needed and reminding me that HE's the only one I need. I remember thinking in December that I had no idea how I was going to make it through to summer without anyone around to count on.

So here I am as August 1st approaches after yet another broken heart situated not just in something but most things. I am sitting in an apartment that is entirely mine and a place I can finally call home. I am starting a job in 5 days that is an unbelievable opportunity. I get to go back to school in two and a half weeks which is waaaaay overdue. December is now 7 months behind me and I am overall happier than ever.

There are things in my life that I desperately want but God has decided that now is not the time for me. I often wonder why He doesn't give them to me but I have chosen to be happy with where He has me and what He's given me. I am thankful to have a God who takes care of the things that are out of my control and can find comfort in the fact that letting Him control it equals a better outcome.

I am far from perfect and made a lot of mistakes in the last 7 months and am unfortunately confident in the fact that they won't be the last. I am a sinner trying to do what's right in a world that encourages me to do wrong but my chin is up and I'm moving forward.

Thanks for coming along for the ride

24

This is the year....

for knowing myself again...


pursuing new goals...


meeting new people...


and laughing twice as much as the last.


Here goes it!

the beginnings of a beautiful thing

12 years ago a man walked into the room with what would become the love of my life. It was just shy of two feet long and made of this rich, deep red wood. When it was put in my hands my life was forever changed.

The attraction was instant. I finally had something that was mine. Only mine. It felt like home everytime I touched it. It was something I could work at and get personal gratification knowing it was something I earned. I practiced hard, I wanted to know it inside and out. I started taking private lessons and joined orchestras and over the next several years this process continued.

I decided that music was my calling and I would teach music for the rest of my life. I enrolled in the local community college as a music major and hit the ground running. I did two years of intensive theory and ear training, killed myself in private lessons, joined several ensembles, picked up more instruments and wore myself thin (literally and figuratively). I grew to hate it. All the pressure and competitiveness became a lot to handle and I started to fade.

It is still a place I call home and will always be a part of my life. When things are falling apart, I can pick it up and the world slowly fades away. It's something in my life that has always been good to me and never fails to be comforting. But I have come to learn that I only love it when I can do it on my terms. I lose the joy when it becomes forced and I can't handle hating it.

Today I officially changed my major to elementary education. I have a passion for children, it's one place in life I know things fit. I am just naturally good with them and people around me comment on it all the time. But a part of me feels like I've given up on something, like I've quit and wasn't good enough to continue. I know kindergarten is where I belong and I'm very excited about it but the transition is a little tough. It means starting over and that's a scary thought.

So now the rest of my life will be spent seeing things through the eyes of children. It will be full of crayons, finger paints, bubbles, scraped knees, tiny tears, counting, the alphabet, show-and-tell, loose teeth, and class pets. I will be adored by tiny faces that will never have any idea how much I adore them.

Kindergarten here I come!!! :D





"i fall asleep and dream of alternate realities"

what is it about the thing you can't have....

or is bad for you....

that makes you want it sooooo much more!?

april in all it's glory

just a few reasons why I love the month of April

Consecutive sunny days over 90 degrees

Tank tops, shorts, and the necessity of tanning lotion

Yuma County Fair
     cinnamon rolls, Indian fry bread, seeing EVERYONE you know, making fun of the retards in stilettos walking around in cow dung

WTI (Weapons Tactics Instructors)
     Marines from all over come to Yuma for training, this results in the sound of freedom jets interrupting every conversation for 6 weeks :)

BASEBALL SEASON!!!!!!!!!
     sunflower seeds, hot dogs, and months of anticipation

And finally my birthday :)

Let's do this! =)

poked and prodded

my day started with the prick of a needle, a shot of some suga,r followed by three more needles. I know I sound like a wuss but this was probably the most awful thing I've been through physically and I never want to do it again. EVER!

unfortunately this is not the first of the prodding and I'm sure it won't be the last. my body hurts, yes, but my heart has been hurting for much longer. I smile big and say I'm fine but it's a lie and I'm afraid the lie is becoming evident to those around me.

I'm trying not to be a kill-joy and I truly know that everything will be fine and God is in full control, but it's hard not to feel the drowning. I know the water gets sweeter as I get to the surface but I feel stuck in the bitter depths. I need a break. I need the sunshine, no more rain.

things I want

love- not the easy kind. the kind that makes everything hurt but you'd choose it over everything else

stability- to stay in one place for longer than 6 months

homework- distraction from everything that works toward something productive

freedom- or more the ability to be what I am without being squashed

future- there's a light at the end of this tunnel but it's really faint still

I want to be what I'm going to be

unexpected, wonderful night

I had heard wind (pun intended) of this wind symphony orchestra performing in town tonight. usually I don't subject myself to these random musical performances in Yuma, AZ but I heard this was supposed to be really good. Once I figured out where they were performing I headed up the hill.

It was in the Lutheran Church around the corner from my parents' house that I have passed a hundred times in my life and never gone in. The building is beautiful and full of lots of white hair. Yep, that's right. I was the youngest one in there but for some reason old people really love me so I knew this was gonna be fun :D

Tonight I experienced the Concordia University Chicago Wind Symphony. They had a beautiful repertoire. Everything from Sousa to Whitacre to Bach. It was wonderful and ended up being a true blessing musically. I'm glad I "subjected" myself to this.

The only thing missing was someone to share it with that appreciates this stuff to the depths that I do.

ideal homework

So when I had my strong desire to color, my mom gave me the sample pages for her sunday school class' lessons.

I'm spending my saturday night coloring the life of Moses =)

eat my words

Have you ever eaten your words?

Well today I did, but a funny thing happened. By the end of it I wanted to feed them to that someone again.

There comes a point when you have to stop assuming the worst and see that some people just want to be a part of your life to be a help.

I don't ask you how you're doing to be nosy and malicious. It's not for personal gain.

I don't pry. I care

Let me care

rewind

 back to the days of inside jokes, full body hugs, orange flip flops and lakes, high fives with lifeguard tubes, ipod exchanges, violin swaps.......innocence


I miss my friend


I miss you