24

This is the year....

for knowing myself again...


pursuing new goals...


meeting new people...


and laughing twice as much as the last.


Here goes it!

the beginnings of a beautiful thing

12 years ago a man walked into the room with what would become the love of my life. It was just shy of two feet long and made of this rich, deep red wood. When it was put in my hands my life was forever changed.

The attraction was instant. I finally had something that was mine. Only mine. It felt like home everytime I touched it. It was something I could work at and get personal gratification knowing it was something I earned. I practiced hard, I wanted to know it inside and out. I started taking private lessons and joined orchestras and over the next several years this process continued.

I decided that music was my calling and I would teach music for the rest of my life. I enrolled in the local community college as a music major and hit the ground running. I did two years of intensive theory and ear training, killed myself in private lessons, joined several ensembles, picked up more instruments and wore myself thin (literally and figuratively). I grew to hate it. All the pressure and competitiveness became a lot to handle and I started to fade.

It is still a place I call home and will always be a part of my life. When things are falling apart, I can pick it up and the world slowly fades away. It's something in my life that has always been good to me and never fails to be comforting. But I have come to learn that I only love it when I can do it on my terms. I lose the joy when it becomes forced and I can't handle hating it.

Today I officially changed my major to elementary education. I have a passion for children, it's one place in life I know things fit. I am just naturally good with them and people around me comment on it all the time. But a part of me feels like I've given up on something, like I've quit and wasn't good enough to continue. I know kindergarten is where I belong and I'm very excited about it but the transition is a little tough. It means starting over and that's a scary thought.

So now the rest of my life will be spent seeing things through the eyes of children. It will be full of crayons, finger paints, bubbles, scraped knees, tiny tears, counting, the alphabet, show-and-tell, loose teeth, and class pets. I will be adored by tiny faces that will never have any idea how much I adore them.

Kindergarten here I come!!! :D





"i fall asleep and dream of alternate realities"

what is it about the thing you can't have....

or is bad for you....

that makes you want it sooooo much more!?

april in all it's glory

just a few reasons why I love the month of April

Consecutive sunny days over 90 degrees

Tank tops, shorts, and the necessity of tanning lotion

Yuma County Fair
     cinnamon rolls, Indian fry bread, seeing EVERYONE you know, making fun of the retards in stilettos walking around in cow dung

WTI (Weapons Tactics Instructors)
     Marines from all over come to Yuma for training, this results in the sound of freedom jets interrupting every conversation for 6 weeks :)

BASEBALL SEASON!!!!!!!!!
     sunflower seeds, hot dogs, and months of anticipation

And finally my birthday :)

Let's do this! =)

poked and prodded

my day started with the prick of a needle, a shot of some suga,r followed by three more needles. I know I sound like a wuss but this was probably the most awful thing I've been through physically and I never want to do it again. EVER!

unfortunately this is not the first of the prodding and I'm sure it won't be the last. my body hurts, yes, but my heart has been hurting for much longer. I smile big and say I'm fine but it's a lie and I'm afraid the lie is becoming evident to those around me.

I'm trying not to be a kill-joy and I truly know that everything will be fine and God is in full control, but it's hard not to feel the drowning. I know the water gets sweeter as I get to the surface but I feel stuck in the bitter depths. I need a break. I need the sunshine, no more rain.

things I want

love- not the easy kind. the kind that makes everything hurt but you'd choose it over everything else

stability- to stay in one place for longer than 6 months

homework- distraction from everything that works toward something productive

freedom- or more the ability to be what I am without being squashed

future- there's a light at the end of this tunnel but it's really faint still

I want to be what I'm going to be

unexpected, wonderful night

I had heard wind (pun intended) of this wind symphony orchestra performing in town tonight. usually I don't subject myself to these random musical performances in Yuma, AZ but I heard this was supposed to be really good. Once I figured out where they were performing I headed up the hill.

It was in the Lutheran Church around the corner from my parents' house that I have passed a hundred times in my life and never gone in. The building is beautiful and full of lots of white hair. Yep, that's right. I was the youngest one in there but for some reason old people really love me so I knew this was gonna be fun :D

Tonight I experienced the Concordia University Chicago Wind Symphony. They had a beautiful repertoire. Everything from Sousa to Whitacre to Bach. It was wonderful and ended up being a true blessing musically. I'm glad I "subjected" myself to this.

The only thing missing was someone to share it with that appreciates this stuff to the depths that I do.